Cat People of the World, Listen Up
Cats are kind of cute, I suppose. From a distance. I’m crazy allergic. Allergies aside, cats mostly irritate me. I really don’t know why, but that’s not really the point here.
The point is…cats belong in one of two places: (1) in your house, or (2) on a leash/runner just like dogs. Even more simply, they belong in your presence. Because here’s the thing. If I wanted a cat, which I DO NOT, I’d have one. They seem like pretty low maintenance animals, no? But I don’t want one. Which is why I’d really, really like to punch the people in my neighborhood whose cats deem it acceptable to chill out in my space.
Out, damn cat!
Over the 4.5 years we’ve lived here, two offending cats in particular have been found in my garden bed, under my car sleeping, on my car (Oh yeah, you feel like throwing a punch now, too, don’t you? Brazen *#@^!) hanging out on my deck, taking walks in the yard. To be fair, it’s not all the time. Just enough to piss me off. Not so much that I’d actually do something about it (that would require motivation), but not so little that I won’t write a blog post about it. Passive-aggressive is where it’s at.
The other day, I got really ticked off, because after getting out of the car, my son spotted one of those cats on the lawn making its way to the backyard. Listen, I’m not going to pretend my son heeds every word I say (or even tries, like, ever), but I was attempting to get him into the house when he saw the cat and made a break for it across the lawn. Caaat? Caaat? Where are you caaat? For.the.love.of.god. Get over here, boy. Caaat? Caaat? Where are you caaat? Off he went, conveniently ignoring my demands to get his little tush to the house. (And yes, I did go fetch him. Oh yes, I did.) But seriously, the friggin’ cat! Get.out.of.my.life.
So I beg of you, cat people of the world, get your cats away from me. They are your cats. Not mine. Ever. And when your cat starts messing with mama’s authority, mama gets pissed. So get ‘em in, tie ‘em up, do what you gotta do. You’re on warning and you heard it here first.
Well, sort of.