My Kid’ll Grow Up To Be…
In the interest of full disclosure, this is PeasOutPapa guest-blogging for my beautiful, brilliant (and likely exhausted) wife. I’d like to share a glorious pastime of mine: imagining what kind of interests in life my little guy will have. What will his favorite school subject be? Whom will he pick as a first date? And what will he do for work?
Now our son shows few signs of possessing the introversion and desire for calm that his ‘rents have in spades and that led us to education, writing, editing, etc. You know, stuff where you can pretend to be cerebral and all but really you’re just avoiding people and getting to sit a lot in life. But for Boo, if I’m honest, his top five likeliest future careers, at the critical age of seven months, appear to be along quite different paths.
5. NBA player. Okay, so this probably strikes you as his parents’ delusional dream. But there are real signs: he’s at the 90th percentile for height; moments after his birth a nurse proclaimed, “He has huge hands” (true story); he loves to jump and be in constant motion; and he shares his birthday with a current NBA player. Unfortunately, said player is Brian Scalabrine, or SCAL!, to all us Celtics fans. Also, his parents absolutely need him to sign a lucrative NBA deal straight out of high school to have any hope of an enjoyable retirement, so he’ll likely hate basketball by the time he’s one.
4. Monkey mimic. Did I mention that we don’t call our boy “Monkey” just because it’s a cute thing to call a wee one, but also because he loves to be in constant motion? This potential career would be at least as high as second if we lived in Cambodia (where it is actually a profession; that’s right, the Amazing Race, like me, is a teacher. Holla back, Phil). Secretly I would love if this came up on his high school vocational test, and the poor guidance counselor had to try to convince him that it’s perfect for him and tell him what the educational requirements and career path are.
3. Gymnast. Um, constant movement. Have we covered this yet? This kid rolls around in his sleep so much that he knocks his helmeted noggin against the crib’s slats, loud enough to wake me over the monitor. To be clear, I do not mean when he wakes; I mean in actual sleep.
2. Soccer player: His favorite kind of constant movement is with his feet and legs. Let me put it in a Seussian manner for all the other parents of young kids reading this: He kicks for joy. He kicks in anger. He kicks his books. He kicks at Hanger.
1. Yesterday, as he basked in the warmth of his wonderful parents at the sweet dusk of a sun-kissed autumn day, with burnished orange and red leaves swaying in the kitchen window, he shattered the moment with repetitive loud laughs that sounded a bit at times like “hey-YA!” delivered with a crazy smile and jumping eyebrows, putting daddy in mind of seventy-three year old Jewish comedian, Jackie Mason. Now I never found Mason funny, but my own kid doing this cracked me up. So even though it may seem unlikely that my ants-in-his-pants Swiss/German/Irish/Italian kid with gigantic hands who’d rather kick something than pick it up will end up a Jewish comedian, it takes numero uno for one reason — so little movement. I can hope.