Stunned into Silence
I always come up with the best responses/retorts/obnoxiously sarcastic comments about five minutes after an interaction takes place. I’m absolutely brilliant…after a good five minutes. Ten on a bad day. This is why facebook is such a great medium for me. Also, I don’t have to actually look at anyone. That helps. (No offense, of course.)
I’ve never been good with immediate responses to anything. In college, my roommate had a balloon bouquet that swiftly got sucked into our open window (not out the window — just into it). As I read on my bed, I was closest to it. And I looked at it. And I looked some more. I’m pretty sure my friend had to ask me to get it. Out with the balloons went my common sense. (Fortunately, the balloons didn’t sail off.)
Another time, I sat studying (also on my bed…there’s a trend here…and yes, also I was a dork), I heard her say Ow…ow…ow… I’m not sure how many times she said it, and in my defense, she wasn’t being loud about it. But finally I turned around to see her fingers caught in her drying rack. Stuck. What did I do? I looked at her. And then at her fingers. And then finally, I got up to help. I won’t even go into the time I accidentally left her asleep in our room during a fire alarm. Poor kid. So yeah, not so quick — except when there’s a fire alarm. I don’t mess with that sh*t. I’m definitely not your chick in an emergency. That’s all I’m saying.
So anyway…I was going somewhere with this!
A few days ago, I take my Boo out for ice cream. We sit at a picnic table, and he delights in his cup of chocolate chip when an older gentleman and his wife walk by. (They’d just gotten their ice cream, which is actually important here.) Boo will talk to anyone and immediately strikes up conversation with the man, who asks Boo about his ice cream flavor. Boo returns the question, and the dude asks my Boo if he wants to try some. I, of course, think he’s kidding. And then, before I can even realize what’s happening (because, as I’ve already established, I’m not exactly lightning speed when it comes to processing information), the dude scoops up some of his ice cream and puts it in my kid’s bowl.
I’ll stop a minute and let you process that.
Let it sink in.
Crazy sh*t, right? Who does that?
The dude walks away and I’m all but looking for hidden cameras as my mind races. Throw his ice cream away? Scoop out the foreign bodies? Flip out? Tame my gag reflex?
I opt for quickly grabbing napkins and scooping out the ice cream, which of course upsets Boo, who absolutely wanted to try the flavor. Also, wiping ice cream is kind of tough. I can only assume the guy hadn’t already taken a bite, but I would’ve also assumed that a perfect stranger wouldn’t put ice cream in my kid’s dish! In hindsight — ah, hindsight — I would’ve gotten him a new ice cream. (Because I’m not unrealistic enough to think I’d actually get the word NO! out of my mouth in the seconds this all took place.)
Also, I a little bit wish Boo had been sick. I promise I’ve never wished illness on anyone, much less a senior citizen. See what people do to me? See what stupid creates? I also can’t help but be left with an image of the man’s wife who also just watched this all take place. And I’m led to draw one of two conclusions: Either weird dude does this regularly or wifey is just as quick as I am. I’ll go with the latter. I’m sure she thought of something brilliant to say about five minutes later.