Send My Apologies to the Tooth Fairy

I take it back. Until about a week ago, I thought the whole Tooth Fairy thing was a racket. Giving children money when they lose teeth? What the hell? Doesn’t she have better things to do with her time?

So that was a week ago. And around the same time, I bought my son a t-shirt that says Teething Bites. On sale at the Gap Outlet by the way (ka-ching). Teething so totally bites. You see, we lucked out with teeth numbers one through six. Hardly an inconvenience. But now, I’m pretty sure we’re hitting the motherload. Baby boy’s gums are outrageous. And unfortunately for both of us, so is he. He is no match for teething tablets or Tylenol. He shudders, cries, and tries to spit out Orajel. I tried it to see what all his drama was about. It’s admittedly vile. We’re on to Motrin today. Li’l bugger is a bit too smart. Had to fake it was Tylenol (dropper and all) to get him to take it. Bizarre.

Well, today was a better day. And I have a new appreciation for the Tooth Fairy. Because what my son is going through totally warrants some kind of a reward in the end. Come to think of it, I wouldn’t be surprised if the Tooth Fairy is a mom who turned her own guilt over her child’s teething into a lifelong career choice. Guilt does powerful things. So my apologies go out to the Tooth Fairy. I’m sorry for thinking her job is a crock. I used to think she was just a chick with wings who flew around putting cash under kids’ pillows. But now — now I understand. She is the guilt-reducer, the righter of wrongs, the oh-my-god-you-endured-such-pain-here’s-a-few-bucks lady.

But I’m thinking the Tooth Fairy might need to make a few changes. In this economy, if she doesn’t diversify her skill set, she’s sure to be out of a job in no time. Really, you can only hold a job as a flying ATM for so long. Hear me out. What if she used her magical fairy power to, oh, I don’t know, not make babies writhe in pain in the first place? She’d really make a name for herself, right? Maybe she could swing by a dentist’s office once in a while in the middle of a root canal.

I know, I know. How do you add more to an already more than full-time job? Sista’s gotta scale back. Why cash with every tooth? Why not just the first and the last? She’d save money and time, not to mention the energy required with all that flying. Talk about workplace efficiency!

My girl’s bound to take this to the top. She just better remember my Boo when his turn comes. Mama doesn’t give out this genius for free.